There is something to be said for not posting self-doubt or moments of
weakness. After all, a persona is just that, a fictional creation and there
is no reason why the public needs to know about the doubts of the developer
of that persona.

So why am I doing it? It's not for the encouragement, though, I do
appreciate it. While I may doubt, I have chosen this path for a reason. I
know I want to be here if only to be a voice in opposition (just so long as
I am not only a voice of opposition). The reason I take the time to write
all of this down is because there is a struggle inherent to what I am doing.
I don't want people to think that this is something that I just walked into
and everything worked. The truth is a lot of it doesn't work and that is
part of the challenge, the trial and - if I take time to think on it - the
fun.

I always felt that when I told my life story people only saw the successes.
I minimized my difficulties and my failures because that is what I was
taught to do: gloss over the bad, concentrate on the good. Well, that's
bullshit. Flat out. The bad, me sitting in that class wanting to scream and
questioning why the hell I even started down this path, that is important.
It's important because that is what must be overcome. That is the obstacle.
When people want to know how I felt, I don't want to tell them, "Oh, I just
had to be a writer." I don't. I can program. I can do tech. I can run a
business and all of them would be fun. I want to write. I want to tell
stories. It is something that I see as a rare and valuable thing and I want
to be involved in that. So, I make my choice and I work my ass off and I sit
awake at 2am wondering why it is I ever decided to go this route. That is
all part of it and its all worthwhile.

That doesn't mean there aren't days I want to quit, though. The best part of
writing those pieces, at least for me personally, is that they become my
mantra, my self-affirmations. I find that they become my reason to fight
back. My secret is out. I am not all confident but what I like in confidence
I make up for in tenacity. There is something to be said for that.

I sit down and they begin to read and chat. The new generation of authors are here and all I want to do is run away. This isn't a question of confidence. I don't think that my work is subpar. In fact, I know that it's not. That's not a question or a concern I have had to deal with - this week. Instead, I realize - once again - that I do not fit. I find my critiques always at odds with the rest of them. What I write, what I have to say is meaningless.

These are supposedly my peers, though. These are my compatriots. These are the people who get fellowships and publishing deals and everything that I think I want. I can't write like that. No, I won't write like that. I'm sorry. The work can be beautiful. The language fantastic but what I am reading? Who here is writing something that is something.

It's all just copy. The dry imaginings of what we think is prose and poetry. None of us, is actually writing anything real and, frankly, that is obvious. Writing is work. Never forget that. It isn't a task made for quiet contemplation. It is a task of pure determination and it will suck the energy from you.

So now I sit at a crossroads. I am sick, a heartsickness that cuts me to the core. I should cry but I don't want to cry. I should scream or yell. I thought about doing that today, in seminar. I wondered how they would react and then I realized it didn't matter. My screaming would be forgotten in an instant.

But yes, this crossroads. This choice. Do I hide? Do I walk away and chase another dream or do I hold my ground? To be fair, this isn't much of a debate. I have no intention of giving ground to my own angst or to attitudes so different from my own. But I am tired and I do feel so terribly alone. Ah well, what can be done? I set the wheel and let it run.

Come hell or high water...let's travel on.

Last month, I called the Posterous experiment failed and over.

Since that time, my posting has dried to a slow trickle and I came to
realize that Posterous had become a deeper part of my online writing
workflow than I anticipated. Posterous fits the space between my
random and often conversational twitter updates and my longer (tl;dr)
pieces that end up on Text and Hubris. In many ways, these posts are
the most common.

I know, most of you don't care. At best, you'll just add this to a
feed and go about your day. For me, though, it was an interesting
lesson how a shift in technology can alter a workflow and in a way
seems rather interesting.

Do I worry about ownership as I mentioned in my previous post? Not
particularly, to be honest. Everything is autoposted to Text and
Hubris which I own and I learned a long time ago to watch what I post.
One of the great things about Posterous is that it can be mapped to a
domain and I have already folded it into Text and Hubris under
http://flow.textandhubris.com. It is now part of the same suite of
sites, I have always had, running a slightly different application.

So, the experiment is extended for now. As time progresses, we'll see
what else comes on board, what programs remain and which are sent
packing,

The real question is, do we direct technology, or do we let ourselves be directed by it and those who have mastered it? “Choose the former,” writes Rushkoff, “and you gain access to the control panel of civilization. Choose the latter, and it could be the last real choice you get to make.”

Rushkoff's book is available in e-book, paperback or in an e-book/paperback bundle from OR Books. It will be released on September 29th.